either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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