hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
