saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
