All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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