If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
