Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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