You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
