seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
