i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
