Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't deserve a penis
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
