No awkward lesbian experiences without me
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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