My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
