I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
