i just had sex bonerless
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
