Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
