I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Randomize
