What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
