I cannot find my penis.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
