Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
