I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
