she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I can text with my tongue
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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