OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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