She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
