I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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