Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
