if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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