I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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