i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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