oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
