i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
