I wish I could punch you in the face.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize