imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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