You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
