You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
