Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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