im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
