my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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