he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
