exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
