woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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