You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
