my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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