Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize