Dude my mom stole all your condoms
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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