If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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