the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
