I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
