Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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