Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
