my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
