well you can't waste a boner
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
