Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's shark week go big or go home
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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