Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
