I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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