i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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