wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize