I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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