tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
