Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
