Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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