How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
